Control vs. Simplicity

The tarot card above is from the Osho Zen Tarot deck. If you're into that sort of thing, this card reminds us if we try too hard to control our lives and the situations surrounding us, we can miss out on experiences and personal growth. In addition, we most certainly can't control the lives and minds of others and will only hurt ourselves (and others) if we try. Plus, control can complicate things and increases stress, whereas acceptance can reduce a lot of anxiety.

I spoke with a very wise woman the other day about the issue of control. I've advised plenty of friends throughout the years not to try so hard to force things and mold the world to fit their belief systems. We can make choices to help drive our lives in certain ways. But ultimately nothing is certain. Circumstances above and beyond our control often change the outcome to something we had not idea would come our way. Sometimes, it's good. Sometimes, not so good. But you can always learn from the change brought on by our ultimate lack of control.

That said, I realized I've recently tried my hand at controlling something -- or someone -- out of my hands. My partner in life, love and whatever comes our way is a dreamer. I'm more cautious and prefer to avoid risks whenever possible. When he shares his dreams and whims with me, I project my own way of thinking and assume what he says will become reality. Sometimes it does, but just as often he is simply sharing his dreams and thinking aloud. Regardless, all I can do is share my concerns and needs and try my best to listen, really listen, to his concerns and needs. And someday one of those grandiose dreams might just significantly benefit both of us. Then again, someday those dreams could hurt us. Or maybe they'll help him, but not me. I simply have to stay in the moment, appreciate each day we have together and accept whatever this short life has to offer.

Arguing and Simplicity

Sometimes sharing a life with someone, no matter how much you love him or her, doesn't feel very simple.

I'm not the best at compromise and communication. But I'm getting better, thanks to the love of my life, Shane. He makes me talk, even when I just want to hole up in my Anne Cave and paint angry paintings. Being an introvert, I process things more slowly before I speak. This frustrates him, because he says what he thinks as soon as he thinks it. I envy his candor, but at the same time I like processing things more slowly. But it's not good to let things stew, either! As a healthy relationship newbie, here are some things I've learned in the past two years:

• Say what you mean. Don't expect the other person to read between the lines. Do you know what they're thinking? Probably not. And they don't know what you're thinking either.
• Keep the argument and/or discussion on task. Don't bring up old stuff: that's just fighting dirty.
• Don't assume. Ask plenty of questions. As my dad likes to say, when you assume, it makes an ass out of 'u' and 'me'.
• Be honest. Even the white lies can, and most likely will, catch up with you.
• Accept that other people may have different ways of communicating than you do. Shane's ability to voice his mind immediately versus me being slow to speak up has taught me that. I also have a close friend who thinks out loud, which hurt my feelings in the past, but going forward I plan to do my best to remember we're simply different.

Occasionally, I miss the days when I answered to no one, and an elaborate meal consisted of an egg scramble or grilled salmon for one and a tossed salad. I liked when the only shoes and dirty clothes cluttering the floor were mine. But I would never trade what I have for what I had.

The Necessity of Simplicity

I adored sparkly things and dreamed of buying a roomy house with plenty of amenities. I also thought the size of my paycheck somehow reflected my personal worth. After enduring a few lay-offs and having to watch my finances more closely, I started to discover what's truly important to me.

Love: I've learned a lot about love in the past few years. And unless you count the unconditional love from my two dogs and (mostly unconditional love) from my two cats, an important lesson I've realized is that no matter what, love requires compromise, compassion, and empathy. Many of those closest to me have gone through some sort of turmoil, especially in recent years. I try to remember we're all the center of our own universe, all wrapped up in what we perceive to be of utmost importance. Stepping back and realizing this helps me remember most people don't intentionally hurt others. Often, they just want to make themselves feel better and they get buried by their own burdens.

Being Present: Life can get overwhelming sometimes. It takes a lot of strength to not worry about the future, or feel guilty or angry about the past. To truly appreciate the here and now, I try to remember to leave work stresses at work and not dwell on things I can't fix. This rings true with interpersonal relationships, too. I've also found that the more I stay in the moment and feel truly grateful and happy, the more positive energy I attract.

Fresh Air and Motion: Enjoying nature -- whether on a balcony watching a sunset, puttering in a backyard vegetable garden, hiking with friends, or walking the dogs around the neighborhood -- can truly clear the mind. It's also a great way to sneak exercise into your life without having to join a stuffy gym. In the past, I spent plenty of time in gyms, strictly to maintain my outward appearance. But I always felt like a hamster in a cage. Being outdoors makes me happy.

Creativity: Making time for creative outlets helps keep my mind open. I love to paint and write in my small but perfect Anne Cave. But creativity comes in other forms. Preparing a wholesome meal, baking bread from scratch, arranging plants in the garden, and helping friends plan parties are great creative outlets, as well.

Organization and Minimal Clutter: I breathe easier with less mess. The cleaner my kitchen counters are, the more well-balanced I feel. That said, I have a tendency to be a closet slob. When I keep the cabinets and closets orderly, I save time looking for stuff. Shoving things out of sight might make my house look tidy, but it causes frustration when I can't find something. And eventually the clutter starts showing. Being fully organized and discarding or donating things I don't need is a work-in-progress:)

I do have the house of my dreams; but at 728 square feet, it's about half the size I thought I needed. And I always thought I'd live alone, but found someone who helps fill it with love, making it truly a home. My job pays the bills. And every day I remind myself to stay in the moment and remember that everything -- good, bad, and neutral -- is temporary.